“OK” reasons to consider surrogacy
“I am in the process of adopting internationally and surrogacy is my back-up plan in case it does not work out; Although I have children from a previous marriage I want more children with my new husband in order to bring us closer together; I have had endured many years of unsuccessful rounds of IVF and now I want to try with my own eggs and a surrogate.”
What is weak in these three scenarios is commitment to success. If you are working on an adoption at the same time, you are not fully committed, and risk abandoning the surrogate after a relationship has been established between you. The second two scenarios are risky because they typically involve women over forty who insist on using their own eggs, and will not consider donor eggs. The chances of a live birth resulting from an egg of a woman over forty is about 5-7%. The chances with an egg from a donor in her twenties is about 50% or higher. If you are only committed to a 7% chance of success, it is really not a full commitment. And keep in mind what the carrier has to endure. She wants her efforts to result in a live birth, too, and is disappointed when it does not work.
People suffering from infertility can become obsessed and somewhat self-centered. They can be insensitive to the needs and feelings of others, especially their surrogate, since they are so wrapped up in their own despair. It sounds harsh to admit this, but I have witnessed it often.
Of course, we work with people in similar situations. We just hope the are willing to be flexible, and move on to plan B if plan A does not work out. Even in the best circumstances, a surrogacy arrangement is a bit of a gamble. You want the odds in your favor.